little_lissy

Please, just leave me alone.

Sophie took the ‘friend’ thing far too literally over the next few weeks, talking to me way more than she normally did, attaching herself to my life, work nights out, she was there, was in my circle of friends had even met Chris, who just like everyone else loved her. It’s odd how you can hate someone so much but actually quite like them too, being her friend didn’t make things easier, it made them harder for me if anything, especially on nights out, like tonight the usual monthly work night out, always turns into a drunken tour of nightclubs, people doing things they’ll regret in the morning. Every month the same, the same broken promises of ‘never drinking again’ the same ‘I can’t believe I kissed him’ the morning after, it was all the same, well all apart from one thing, Sophie. Yes we’re friends and she hasn’t tried to get me into bed since that text but that doesn’t mean I didn’t want her any less, if anything it’s made me want her more, especially tonight, drink, music, a packed dance floor and a drop dead stunning Sophie whining her hips does not help the situation at all. Everyone in the office was loving the fact that I’d now joined them in liking her, our new found friendship was met with great delight from everyone, amusing her no end, so that’s why now after more shots and people kissing people they’ll regret in the morning, nobody sees anything wrong with us dancing together. Nobody bats an eyelid at how close my behind is to her crutch. No one cares that her hands are gripping so tightly on the inside of my hips that the blood refused to go to my head, nothing was abnormal about the way she would grind herself against me, breathing in my ear occasionally catching her lips on it. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think, she was overtaking me, consuming me, taking me right there on the dance floor in front of the world and nobody cared.

She could sense my anguish, she could tell I was getting worked up, She moved her hands and wrapped her arms around my waist put her chin on my shoulder, and whispered in my ear “this is how friends dance, relax” she then licked the shell of my ear. I could practically feel her smirk, I ripped my body away from her and made my way to the bar, I needed a drink, a large one. Being at the bar watching her didn’t make it any easier, watching the way she moved her hips, ran her hands along her body, the way her top would ride up slightly. I wanted her. I couldn’t want her. She knew exactly what she was doing to me, her eyes never left mine, she winked at me and then moved across the room out of sight, my mind was swimming in her, I was so angry, so turned on and so desperate, I needed to feel something, I needed to get back home. As I was making my way out I spotted her, dancing with some girl, some absolutely wasted girl, I say dancing, they were practically fucking on the dance floor, classy. The girl started kissing or should I say eating Sophie’s neck, She looked up, caught my eye, smirked at me and then moved into kissing the skank that was hanging off of her, I left as quick as I could, the sudden need to throw up taking me over, I needed to get home. I needed to feel something, I needed to feel Chris, I needed to be with him, maybe that would get rid of this burning knot in the pit of my stomach. So that’s what I did I went home and let him kiss away the pain, the want, the need, I let him kiss away her, to make me feel him, only him.

The next morning I was dreading going into work again, I didn’t want to see her, I didn’t want to have to pretend to be okay, I was tired, I wanted to hate her again, but I couldn’t act as though anything was bothering me could I. All the way there I gave myself a mental pep talk telling myself how to act, how to feel, what to say, what to do, I was ready, by the time I reached the doors I was ready to see her, to talk to her, to ask her how her night was, after all that is what friends do. That all went out of the window the minute I saw her. Looking as rough as I’ve ever seen her, no real different to everyone else in the office to be fair, she looked tired, looked like she was suffering, she also looked like a dirty skank, sporting a hideous hicky on her neck that she’d obviously tried and failed to cover up with a scarf. She came over toward me pained smile on her face no doubt suffering a hangover from hell, she was about to say hello when I looked at her with utter disgust and walked away, that’s pretty much how I spent the day avoiding her, mature I know but I couldn’t help it, every time I looked at her I got angry. At the end of my shift, I tentatively entered the bathroom expecting her to be in there waiting for me, to ask me why I’ve been such a bitch to her but she wasn’t there, I wasn’t sure how I felt, surprised or hurt, let down or relieved.

I made my way home, feeling run down and exhausted with it all, I needed a bath and an early night, I stopped at the shop for a bottle of wine a night of quiet pampering would sort me right out. I walked in shouting to Chris that I was sorry I was late back, I walked into the living room to find him sat, beer in hand in an animated conversation with Sophie about last nights events. My head couldn’t process what was going on, why the hell was Sophie sat in my living room, laughing and joking with my boyfriend, why the fuck was he laughing and joking telling her how I come home drunk and horny, I wanted to throw up, run away and smash the room up. I just stood there dumbfounded. “hey babe, you’re back, Soph came round to see if you were okay after last night, both nursing hangovers, but worth it eh girls” he said laughing she just sat there silent, guilty look on her face, I didn’t know what to do, I opened my mouth to talk but nothing came out. “I’m going for a bath” the only thing that came out, I walked out the room and headed for the stairs, I could hear Chris apologising for me, and her replying it was okay she shouldn’t have just turned up, told him she’d run up and say bye to me then leave. Run up? No no no, she is not coming up my stairs, she’s not, no I can’t do this, hearing that I sprinted up the stairs into the bathroom, just as I was about to turn the lock she opened the door.

“What the fuck are you doing here Sophie? And why the hell are you in my bathroom?” I felt vulnerable, scared, and so incredibly turned on, her standing there looking so dishevelled and undeniably sexy, it felt so wrong, and the weird thing is I think that was adding to my excitement. Not that I’d let it show of course, I wasn’t that girl she was trying to turn me into. “I came to see if you were okay, if we were okay, you’ve been acting crazy weird with me today” I didn’t know what to say I looked her up and down taking in our surrounding locked away in my bathroom, “nice hicky, real classy” I spat at her. She laughed, not an amused laugh, a pissed off laugh, a laugh that signalled she was about to go off on one. “Is that what this is about, you jealous? Thought we were friends, why can’t I have a hicky? Would you be this worked up if it was Claire with it? if it was her that had another girl sucking on her neck?”. She was pushing me waiting for me to admit something, playing with me, that’s all I am to her a game, she just loves using me like a pawn, “Don’t flatter yourself” I said this as I pushed her away from me with all the force I could muster. She was quicker than I was, always something I hated about her, and she was stronger, she grabbed hold of my wrist and pushed me back against the door pinning my arms above my head. “Admit it, you were, you are crazy jealous, seeing another girl touch me, kiss me, drove you wild, that’s why you came home and fucked lover boys brains out, oh he loved it by the way, he’s a sharing kinda guy. You expected me to be waiting for you in the bathroom didn’t ya, were you upset when I wasn’t there?” I was a quivering wreck, she’d reduced me to mush, a complete mess that couldn’t form words, thoughts or even breaths. I coughed trying my best to regain some form of composure, I begged  my voice to come out strong, “I don’t like love bites no matter who they’re on I find them trashy, anybody would get that reaction from me so please don’t go thinking yourself special, and jealous? Of? Your drunken hook up with a girl whose name you probably didn’t know? Not in the least bit, now your hung-over and clearly emotional I say you go home get some sleep and I’ll see you at work.” I actually thought that sentence would kill me, it hurt to say, I could see the hurt on her face as I spoke, she thought she’d broke me, she thought I was about to cave in, tell her I want her, but I don’t, I can’t, I won’t.

She turned and walked out of the door, mumbling a sorry to disturb you as she left. I leant against the door and for some reason unbeknown to me I broke down, cried and cried until eventually Chris was knocking on the door asking if I was okay, I’d been a while. Friends? Yeah, ‘cause that’s really working for us.

Please, just leave me alone. 2

 She looked at me so softly, her bad temper evaporating the minute she seen I was getting upset, “I can’t “ this said as she tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, I tore my head away from her touch, how could she keep doing this to me, I’m not strong enough to keep fighting her. “Go and find someone else to toy with, someone who wants you, someone who’s available, someone who’s actually gay, just leave me alone, you stay out of my way, I’ll stay out of yours”. I walked away from her grabbing my stuff and getting ready to leave, as I reached the door she grabbed hold of my wrist spun me round to meet her, her face just inches from mine, she leant in so her lips were just grazing mine, not a breath apart. “Tell me you don’t want me, not that you shouldn’t want me or that you can’t want me, tell me you don’t want me.” She licked her lips, slowly, the tip of her tongue grazing mine causing my breath to hitch and my throat to go drier than the Sahara. “Tell me when you see me in the office you don’t just want to grab me, kiss me, have me, all of me, Tell me part of you wasn’t hoping I’d follow you in here today”. She leant in more closing the gap, capturing my lips, in the slowest, deepest kiss I’ve ever experienced, she sucked my bottom lip into her mouth, bit down on it slightly then ran her tongue along mine. “Tell me that you don’t replay that night over and over, that you don’t use it when you’re with Chris, and lastly, tell me that kiss meant nothing, that you felt nothing, that you can’t still feel them tingling. When you can do all that, tell me honestly, then I’ll do what you want, I’ll leave you alone.” Then she walked out, didn’t say another thing, didn’t turn around, just left me standing there, broken, turned on, confused, unable to breathe let alone move and more importantly made me late, Chris was ringing my phone. This is what I needed to snap me out of my Sophie bubble, I was on auto pilot, got my stuff and went down to meet my boyfriend, my boyfriend, I have a boyfriend.

An uneventful week passed since that evening in the bathroom, every time I saw her at work, I put my head down, looked in the opposite way, changed the direction I was walking. She would still send me the smirk that made my insides melt, she would send me a questioning look, raised brow, knowing that I hadn’t told her what she asked, which to her clearly meant that I wanted her, that I was fair game. I could tell she was growing tired of me avoiding her, by the end of the week she went out of her way to make sure she was near me in some way. Following me into the bathroom, waiting around the office for everyone to leave hoping that when she got me alone I’d allow myself to look in her eyes, that I’d fall into her, but I couldn’t and wouldn’t let that happen. As I was getting ready to leave I felt her behind me, behind my desk, without turning round I sighed and asked what she wanted, the first words I’d spoken to her since I begged her to leave me alone. “I want to know why you’re avoiding me, why you hide every time you see me, you can speak to me, be civil with me, that’s not against the rules, that’s not exactly gay behaviour”. Sarcastic Sophie was definitely back in the building, I wouldn’t bite. I knew this is what she wanted, to get a rise out of me, so we’d end up in our usual battle, throwing words and accusations and ultimately ending in one of us screaming the others name, not this time, not any more, I’m not like that, I have a boyfriend. “Fuck you Sophie” and with that I walked out, sprinted out, I needed to get back to the house, back to Chris, for him to wrap me up in his arms then everything would be normal again, I’d be able to breathe again.

I spent that night cuddling on the sofa with him, feeling content, happy and safe, that broke when my phone vibrated against my thigh, a single text that made my heart speed up to the point I’m sure it was beating out of chest, my hands began to tremble, sweating “Soph” how that little display sent me into overdrive. Why was she texting me, she never texts me, WE don’t text, why would we, I took a deep breath and opened it, ripping off a plaster, quick and painless right?. “I get it okay, I get that you have a fella, I’m sorry if I over stepped the mark or took it too far, can’t blame a girl tho, you’re a hottie Sian =D but in all seriousness I would like to be friends, despite it all I actually really like you, as a friend, so what d’ya say, we trying being nice to each other, actually saying hi? Gotta be worth a shot right? Have a good weekend x”

That was the last thing I’d expected that to say, I read it at least 10 times, it was really sweet, for Sophie at least, there was no bitchy, sarcastic undertones, it was sincere, it made me die a little. She was right though we should try being friends, what harm can it do, I’m sure I could grow to stop hating her, yeah friends, that’d be a lot easier, at least she knows now that, that’s all we’ll ever be. I replied to her before I gave myself time to change my mind, “Friends x” short and to the point, I deleted the kiss at least 20 times over thinking it, which is stupid, we’re friends I put a x on the end of all my friends texts without giving it a thought. Friends, yeah, I’ll try.

So, boredom, cabin fever and being overworked makes this!

Please, just leave me alone.

I hate her. I hate her laugh, I hate her smile, her smirk, and the way she thinks everyone is in love with her and under her spell. I hate her eyes. I hate the way she skulks around the office acting so brooding and sexy, well at least that’s what she thinks she’s doing. I can’t stand the fact that she’s only been working here for 2 months and already she’s everyone’s best friend, people can’t say enough good things about her, obviously I’m the only one that can see what she’s really like. The thing I hate most though is the way she looks at me, I can’t explain it, she doesn’t do it to anybody else, she makes me feel uneasy and just, just, I don’t know, wrong, it’s like she’s consuming me. I must of been in my own world listing all the reasons in my mind why I really don’t like this girl because now she’s walking over toward my desk, smirk firmly in place, swaying her hips as she gets closer. I try to snap myself out of the daydream I was just in, usual scowl in place, ready for her.

She makes her way over to me, walking around the desk to where I was sat, perched herself on the edge of my desk, leant forward on whispered in my ear “Hey sexy, you need to stop eye fucking me, people will talk” amusement evident in her voice. I had a completely dumbfounded look on my face and I’m pretty sure I forgot to breathe or function in any way with her there, so close, I sighed with disgust and asked what exactly was her reason for being in my space, what did she want. She licked her lips, looked me up and down and casually whispered, “you of course” I’m pretty sure my jaw just hit my desk with such force it could of snapped in two, “w-w-w-what?” I managed to get out of my ever drying throat. She stood up laughed at me and told me that she needed me to look over the monthly accounts, what else did I think she meant. That right there is the reason I hate this girl, Sophie Webster, even her name was annoying.

I managed to avoid her for the rest of the day, just being in the same room as her causes my blood to boil, I used to love my job, coming to work, I used to look forward to it, now I’m anxious of it, because of her, why doesn’t anyone else see how irritating she is. I was meeting Chris straight after work so decided to get changed in the bathroom, saving time and meaning I could get a drink quicker, god knows I needed one after today. The bathroom was empty, nothing new really there are only 3 girls on this floor and almost everyone had gone home, I started to get out of my work clothes, when the door swung open and in walked the one person I really, really didn’t want to see, especially not now. “Starting without me I see, I’m hurt, getting you naked is the best bit” she said all this in a low whisper as she made her way over to me, grabbing both sides of my opened shirt as she reached me, looking so deep into my eyes I felt as though I was drowning, we just stood there in silence, her breath hitting my lips, her fists clenched around my shirt, just staring. I broke the silence telling her I didn’t have time for this I needed to get ready, to just go home, I’d see her at work tomorrow, she just sniggered and asked if I had a hot date with lover boy, another thing I hate about her, her sarcasm and bitchiness. “Yes actually I have, we’re going for dinner, now if you’ll excuse me I need to finish getting ready, I’ve told you before Sophie, I have a boyfriend, I’m not like you”. Clearly the wrong thing to say because before I had time to register what was happening she’d pushed me against the wall and was attacking my neck with her mouth, clawing at my body, scratching up my back, biting then licking my neck. “having a boyfriend didn’t stop you screaming my name though did it, having a boyfriend didn’t stop you pushing my head down in-between your legs, not being like me didn’t stop you begging for me to fuck you did it Sian”.

So maybe that was something I should have mentioned before, and really the main reason I hate her so much, because I want her so damn much, my body craves for her even though my mind tells me it shouldn’t. It started out innocent enough, when she first started she would shower me with compliments, it was nice, everyone likes being liked right? Well the flirting would get a bit heavier, she would deliberately find reasons to be near me, brushing past me making sure her body grazed mine slowly and deliberately. I tried, I really tried not to act on it but I couldn’t help it I was becoming addicted to her and I hated myself for it, so I would take it out on her, we’d argue all the time at work. She took it all in her stride the more I told her I didn’t want anything to do with her, the more she liked it, guess she likes a challenge, there was no more a challenge than the straight girl who didn’t even like her.

“I told you that was a mistake” I said this as I pushed myself away from her continuing to get changed with my back to her, I couldn’t look at her face, I couldn’t see those eyes, those lips, if I did I’d forget why being with her like that was a bad idea. “which time, which one was a mistake eh Sian, stop being a coward, if you want a dirty bit on the side at least be honest about it. I know you have a boyfriend, you tell me ALL the time, but that doesn’t mean you don’t want this, don’t hide behind Chris ‘cause you’re scared” I was starting to get really pissed off with this conversation, I hate the fact she thinks she knows everything, “Hide behind Chris? Who the hell do you think you are, I’m with Chris, I’m happy, we live together, we’re a couple, a unit, a family, we have a future, I’m not hiding behind anything, what happened with us, shouldn’t of happened, it won’t be happening again, I have a boyfriend I can’t do that to him, I won’t do that to him, so please, I’m begging you, just leave me alone”. My voice broke, I know I sounded completely pathetic and desperate, but I needed her to leave me alone, I needed her to stop pushing me because if she didn’t we both knew I’d cave, and I can’t do that, I have a boyfriend.

Dirty Little Secret – 13

We were knocked out of our love filled reverie by Rosie and Jason coming in, in all the madness I’d forgotten where we were, I quickly went to move away before they came in and saw but Sian wouldn’t let me, she gripped harder on my hand and sent me a small knowing smile. This really was it, she wanted it, she wanted us, she was sure, just as quickly as that sense of fulfilment washed over me it was burst as Rosie & Jason bundled through the door, Jason getting a verbal assault of the ear drum over something or other. As they walked in to the living room and saw us the biggest smile spread across Rosie’s face, she rushed over to us wrapped me in a bone crushing hug screeching how happy she is for us. Poor Jason stood in the door way looking completely dumbfounded wanting to know what was going on, why was Rosie ultra sonic and why were Sian & I holding hands grinning like loons, Rosie laughed at him told him that we were a couple, deal with it, gotta love that girls tact sometimes. I felt like I ought to say something, if only to stop Rosie’s jabbering I was starting to get ear ache and poor Sian was being bombarded with questions, I walked over to Jason and told him, explained that me and Sian were a couple, we were together, we were happy, we were in love. His reply as eloquent as you’d expect ‘But you’re a girl, and, and, she’s with Ryan, aint she?’ Sian took the opportunity to escape from Rosie’s rant to answer teling him that it’s not Ryan she wants, it’s me, my grin getting bigger by the second and threatening to break my face in two.

Everything was so rushed and confused in that moment that we decided it was best to sit down and talk properly, we made tea and all sat around the living room, Sian and I each in turn filling Jase in, explaining what had happened, that we were going to be together, a couple. He was quiet for a long time, the only sound filling the room was Rosie’s ‘aww’s and ‘oooohs’ he eventually did speak and in true Jason fashion got straight to the point. ‘I’m happy for ya girls, really I am, it’s cool if you’s are in love and stuff, but what you did to Ryan, I’m sorry but that’s unforgiveable, nobody deserves that, He really loves you Sian, you’re his world, and Soph, he see’s you like a little Sister, I’m not judging I’m just saying, I can’t say what I think you’s have done is okay, cuz, well, I don’t.’ It’s what I’d expected to hear, I knew he’d say that because let’s face it any sane person with an ounce of emotion in them would say the same thing, it hit Sian though, I could feel her practically shrinking in to herself as he spoke, I just held her hand tighter reassuring her I was there, it was okay. Rosie however was less sympathetic to what he said, her voice once again reaching levels only audible to dogs, screeching at him ‘JASON! How dare you, don’t you dare speak to them like that, you don’t know anything, they’re in love, they’re meant to be together, Ryan’s a waster anyway, you’re forgetting who your family is in this.’  I had to tell Rosie that he was right, she didn’t need to have a go at him for voicing his opinion, she was adamant though that he was in the wrong and was continually apologising to Sian for her ‘Pathetic excuse of a moronic Husband’

Before she could go any further with her assault on Jason he cut in, ‘No I didn’t mean it like that, I’m happy for ‘em I really am, Sian couldn’t get a better bird than our Soph, I’m just saying if that were me, and you were doing that with one of my best mates it would proper cut me up babe, I’d be devastated, that’s all I was saying, you girls know that right, you know I’m not against you or owt.’ Rosie had now gone from fuming devil women to love sick puppy during his little speech, ‘Awww babe do you mean that, that’s dead sweet, I’d never leave you, and deffo not for another girl, I don’t have the hair to pull of being a lesbian.’ With that they both fell into one another kissing as though there was no tomorrow, we took that as our cue to leave, I coughed loudly and told them we were gonna go, there was no response just the waving of Rosie’s hand above Jason’s head. Just as we reached the front door Rosie’s voice came bellowing out ‘Sophie Webster tell me you did not have sex on my sofa.’ This of course causing Sian to give out her guiltiest, shyest, sexiest smirk ducking her head into my shoulder, further adding to Rosie’s suspicions, ‘Oh come on Rosie, like I would, I promise we did not have sex on your sofa.’ She seemed satisfied with my answer and let us leave, just as I was closing the front door I heard her franticly talking to herself, ‘she didn’t have sex on the sofa, on the sofa, SOPHIE!!! Where DID you have sex?’ giggling like a schoolgirl I grabbed Sian’s hand and ran out of the house and down the street.

We made our way back to mine, Sian wanted to go straight to speak to Ryan but I’d managed to convince her we need to sort out what we’re going to say first, we only get one shot at this and after everything we owed him some dignity. Sat there in my living room, home finally felt like home again, the missing piece was here, she decorated the room just by smiling. ‘I can’t believe this is really happening, I can’t believe you’re really here, REALLY here, you don’t know how long I’ve waited for this babe’ she grinned at me, pulled me closer to her and placed the sweetest kiss on my lips. ‘Actually I can tell you, a lifetime, but it was never a reality, even when we were together I never really let myself believe you’d ever be mine, 7 months, 7 long months and you’re finally free, you’re finally here, you’re finally mine.’ She interrupted my rambling with a low voice, ‘I’ve never been anyone else’s, it just took me a little longer to figure it out is all. I want to be here, I really want to be here but I can’t feel comfortable, I can’t really believe it all until we’ve spoke to Ryan. I want to be able to lie on the couch with you without feeling guilty, to wrap up in your duvet watching bad TV with your awful tea without having to worry about getting back to him or what I’m going to say to him. We need to go talk to him Soph, and I think we need to do it now.’

‘I know, I know you’re right, and I know I’m putting it off, but what do I say to him Sian, there’s nothing I can say. I can’t tell him I’m sorry because I’m not, I can’t tell him I wish things were different because I don’t, I can’t tell him I understand because I don’t, I’ve got the girl of my dreams, he’s just lost his, and it’s because of me, there’s nothing I can say to him. How can I go round there and apologise to him, explain to him, try and salvage my relationship with him without bragging, I can’t, I don’t want to rub his face in it. You didn’t see him that day Sian, when he sat here on this very sofa telling me how scared he was you’d leave, you didn’t see the broken look in his eye knowing that it was because of me. So I can’t, I can’t go there and rub in his face that I have what I wanted, I have you where I’ve always wanted you, but what, I’m sorry he got caught in the cross fire, I can’t do that to him, I owe him more than that. Tell me how I’m supposed to go and apologise for something that’s made me the happiest I’ve ever been, how do I say I wish my dreams hadn’t come true, how do I not wear the biggest smile. You have just agreed to be with me. You. Sian. The love of my life, the most beautiful girl in the world, the reason for my heart skipping a beat and my lungs forgetting how to work, you have said you want to be with me, how can I do anything but smile after that.’

I didn’t realise I was even crying until she delicately wiped away the tear tracks on my cheeks, she just held me hugged me so tightly, this was her being there for, me she was supporting me, she was telling me it was going to be okay. ‘I’m so sorry, I haven’t even been thinking how hard this is going to be on you, I’ve just been worrying about what he’ll think of me, say to me when I tell him I’m leaving, I didn’t give what you were feeling a second thought, I just wanted you there to support me. I’ve really messed you up, I’m such a fuck up, I don’t know why you put up with me, I’ve treated you like dirt and you deserve so much better, you’re the most amazing person in the world Sophie Webster, he broke the mould when he made you. And even now, after everything I was still thinking of myself, forgetting about you. Why are you with me, why do you love me so much, why are you putting yourself through this, how did I get so lucky. I mean look at us, I’ve turned you into someone who lies and cheats on their best friend, their brother, I’ve made you lie to your family and friends about us, I’ve pushed you from pillow to post. I’ve picked you up and dropped you when I felt like it and yet your still here, and now, I’m pregnant with Ryan’s baby and you’re still here. Are you sure you want this Soph, are you sure you’re ready, you’re going to be bringing up another man’s baby, you’re going to be lumbered with a kid.’ She said all this whilst pacing around the room at road runner speed, I knew this was her being scared, terrified so she was hitting out, thinking that if she pushes me away now it will hurt less than if I realise months down the line and leave. For someone so strong and self-assured she really is just as vulnerable and scared as the rest of us.

‘No Sian, I’m not going to be bringing up another man’s baby, I’m not being lumbered with anything, I’m gaining another piece of you to love. I’m going to be there for you and your baby, you could have a thousand and that would never change, any child of yours I will love to the moon and back, because they’re another part of you. And as for the ‘another man’ statement well that’s not true either, this kid couldn’t ask for a better dad than Ryan, so from where I’m standing I’m pretty lucky, I’ve just been given the future I dreamed about all wrapped up in one neat little package. You need to stop pushing me away Sian and trying to find a way out of this before you get hurt or fall too deep, I told you I’m not going anywhere. I love you, and I’ll remind you every day. Now I promise we’ll go and talk to Ryan, I’ll be right there beside you holding your hand, supporting you, but for now, just for tonight at least can we just slow down. We’ve been going a million miles an hour for so long now I’m starting to get motion sickness, can we just have one night of normalcy before the madness ensues. For one night only, me, you, duvet, sofa, DVD fest, junk food and no drama, just us, being us, without the heavy weight title girlfriends, friends, lovers or any other label out there. Just you and me, no heavy title’s no words, no rows, no doubts, no guilt, just us.

Dirty Little Secret – 12

So there we stood hands clawing at exposed flesh, eyes scrunched tight, breathes held, both gripping desperately to this moment, this bliss, neither wanting it to end, neither wanting to let words or the world back in, each of us praying this fractured fairy tale lasts forever. All words had lost meaning, all promises meant nothing all apologies were worthless, the only thing we needed was to be held, neither of us knowing what we were holding onto, our future or our memories, we were one, we were in unison, we were breathing for the other, her heart was beating for mine, we were entwined, souls and hearts moulding together, refusing to be parted. Even in this moment, in our final goodbye or our promise to try again, whatever it was, even then I couldn’t stop my brain from spinning, thoughts going round in my head, as I cradled her head against my chest, as I felt her fingers grip so tightly across my back, I couldn’t stop my thoughts, I couldn’t stop the pain or forget the magnitude of this embrace. I couldn’t understand how we ended up here, like this, how we were in this mess, everything was so beautiful, so clear, so right, now it’s just a mess, the purest emotions and feeling in the world had been turned evil, not that I should be surprised, the walls had to come crashing down sooner or later. I was constantly in a tug of war with her heart and I was losing fast, even though I know I ought to, I just can’t let go, I can’t stop pulling, it’s clear I’ve lost, the flag is over on his side, he has her but I still can’t let go, I don’t have the strength to put the rope down, to put her heart down, if I do I’ve got nothing left to fight for. If ever there was a reminder of why I’ve been pulling so hard for the last 7 months this was it, this right now, her head against my chest, her in my arms, her, just her, she was the reason, and right now she was giving me new desire, new strength and new determination to use all my strength on that rope, to keep tugging and pulling until I won, until she was mine. The whistle on the game has been blown, the medals given out, the winner announced but I still can’t give it up, I still can’t walk away, he may be holding the trophy but it’s my name etched on the winners plaque, it’s me she wants and I know that now more than ever.

I pull my head back and lift hers toward mine so I can look at her, really look at her, into her heart, soul and mind, all I need is for her to tell me without words that I still have a shot, that there’s still something here worth saving, that there’s reason to fight, she understood what I was asking, she closed her eyes, licked her lips and brought them toward mine, pressing her lips, dreams, hopes and words she couldn’t verbalise in to me, it was brief, but it was beautiful, it was all I needed. I opened my mouth to speak to her, then realising that my throat and voice was strained, full of gravel from all the words we’d spoke before and all the thoughts strangling me, words wouldn’t do this justice, the English language as beautiful as it is didn’t hold enough in it to express what I was feeling, the only thing that could really do that, the only way I could truly penetrate her heart, was with my lips. I cradled her head in both my hands, just looking at her face, into her speaking a thousand words at the loudest volumes with just my eyes, I then brought her face toward mine, and kissed life back into her, kissed my words into her, tattooing my feelings into her soul. The kiss was full of passion, desire, desperation, need and want, both as hungry for the other, soon enough kissing wasn’t enough, I wanted her, all of her, it seemed like a life time since I had her in my arms like this, too long since I’d heard the way her voice sings my name, the way her moans dance from her tongue, my favourite song in the world, and I’d gone too long without hearing it, it had quickly turned from showing how much I love her to showing her how much I wanted her. I sunk my teeth into her neck, tasting her skin once more, the moans that escaped her lips were heavy and enough to blow my mind right then and there, she needed this as much as I did, as frantic hands started removing her of the clothes that were all of a sudden very much in the way, she put her hands on top of mine and stopped me, her voice heavy and laden with lust she breathed out, ‘Tell me this is not goodbye for you, tell me this isn’t it for us’ without answering her I smirked ripped open her shirt and sunk my teeth into her neck once more, hands roaming her torso, letting her know this certainly wasn’t goodbye, how could I ever say bye to something this amazing.

I had her pinned against the wall my body pressed against hers, holding her hands above her head, I needed to take control of this, I needed to make sure she knew, knew that I wasn’t giving up, knew how much I needed her, and knew that I was in charge of this moment. The moans and groans escaping from her angelic lips were sending me flying, she’s such an angel, so pure, so perfect so to see her writhing against a wall whispering profanities, telling me how much she needs and wants me, is the biggest turn on in the world, to know that I’m the one who brings this side out in her is mind blowing, I feel as though my heads swimming around the room, I’m close to the edge just by looking at her. The teasing didn’t last long, it was rough, desperate and fast, clothes torn, skin marked, bitten scratched and soothed with hot lips, promises of forever made with the screaming of names, future planned out with finger nails clawing across backs, fears and reservations diminished by skin, this wasn’t over, this will never be over. I held her firm against me, holding her up as she came back down from ecstasy, I placed gentle kisses across her face, smiled gently at her and told her exactly what was on my mind in that second.  ‘I haven’t put the book down, this isn’t the end, this is the best part of the story, this is where we fight the baddy, this is where we’re brave, this is where our future starts, this is the part where the Prince fights for his Princess, this is where I break you out of the castle and we run off together, this is our happy ever after.’

Dirty Little Secret – 11

 For the thousandth time that night the silence and nervous tension took over the room, filling it with a mix of desperation, trepidation, expectancy, unsaid words, thoughts and desires. ‘It must have worked at some point, a part of him must have been enough, you obviously found some piece of happiness, you are pregnant after all, you are carrying his child, you are planning to walk down the isle to him, give him your future, your babies, your life, so please, don’t insult me by saying it never worked.’ I couldn’t believe she was doing this again, playing the victim, and I almost let her, she can’t keep doing this, she can’t keep hiding. I couldn’t get my head around the fact that she was pregnant, she had his baby inside her, he gave her something I can never dream of, they will be connected forever, how do I compete with that, I can’t, time to admit defeat. She made her way across the sofa, slowly edging toward me, she placed her hands on my thighs, pleading me with her finger tips to look at her, pleading with me to not let go yet, telling me without words that we weren’t over, there was unfinished business, begging me not to give up, to give in.

‘I love you’ she whispered as her hands connected with my thigh, I closed my eyes and held my breathe, she moved closer, her lips beside my ear ‘I love you’ her hot breathe against my ear caused my body to react a shiver sent down my spine and a moan to force its way passed my throat. Just as I thought I was going to give in and lose all sense of self control, she moved away, not far away, just sat beside me but her hands and breath no longer touching me, I missed the closeness instantaneously, in that second I wanted to dive on her, have her breathing on me again, touching me, she told me she was sorry, she shouldn’t of done that it wasn’t fair, I was right we needed to talk, she was being unfair, I smiled, the first genuine smile all night, I moved my hand over to her lap and took hold of her hand in mine, squeezed her fingers slightly and agreed, we do need to talk, really talk.

‘You do know I love you though, right Soph? you know that’s not a lie, I know I’ve fucked up in a lot of ways and I’ve gone the worst way around things, and as hard as it is for me to admit I know I’ve probably ruined us, I hope to God I haven’t but, what I’m trying to say is that while I may have screwed up, while I may have made a mess, I mean it when I say I love you, I always will.’ Yeah, I knew she loved me of course I knew, but she didn’t and doesn’t love me the way I love her, she’s not in love with me, she loves me because I’m her best friend, she loves me in the way she never wants to lose me, she loves me the way I love Ryan. ‘You never fell for me Sian, you never let yourself go, you’re not IN love with me, you didn’t fall in love with me, you never let yourself, I don’t know why but something always held you back.’ She cut in turning her body to face mine, my eyes still not meeting hers, still not resting on her face, she squeezed on my hand and frantically told me she is in love with me, how I could I even think she wasn’t, ‘the only thing holding me back was fear. Yeah okay I’ll admit it, I was scared, absolutely terrified, you changed my life, you flipped my world upside down, you were making me feel things that I absolutely shouldn’t of been feeling for anyone other than Ryan, let alone my best friend, a girl. There was no sign posts any more, I had no idea where I was going, how I was gonna get back, if I ever could get back, I had a plan, a direction and you completely threw me off it, so I’m sorry if I was guarded, I’ve never done this before, this whole thing is new to me, I don’t know the rules, all I knew is that you had the potential to ruin my life, and that thought petrified me to the core, so I needed to make sure I kept at a safe distance. Your love is like a volcano it erupted so fast just blew up inside of me, I didn’t have chance to run for cover so I had to make sure I kept myself a safe distance from the edge in case I fell in, because, well because if I did, that would have been it, I’d never of been able to get out, well, not alive anyway.’

This was it, this was the moment real feelings and emotions were going to come out, this was the time and moment for honesty, purity, this would and could make or break us, we both knew what was hanging on tonight, we knew for the smallest shot at making things okay again we needed to strip right down, lay everything bare, expose all scars, wounds, insecurities and fears, this wasn’t a time to be coy, this was a time to fight and strive with determination and desperation. ‘I’ve never done this either, I’ve never fallen in love with my best friend, I’ve never slept with one of my closets friends Fiancés before, I’ve never lied, cheated and done the dirty on people I love, I’ve never done this either! I don’t know the rules. I’m Gay Sian, that doesn’t come with a handbook on falling for the person you can’t have and ruining as many lives as possible in the process. You could of just spoke to me, I mean, I was going through it too, I was open to you, I told you exactly how I felt, feel, I laid myself bare for you, but you shut me out, you drew very clear and distinct lines, I got your body not your heart, I got you free time not your future, I got to be your secret, not your world. Maybe it’s my own fault, I expected too much too soon.’ She got up at this point, started pacing the living room, opening her mouth to say something but then having an internal conflict with herself, making sure she was choosing her words carefully, it’s one of the things that irritated me about her, she was so guarded and composed, I wish she’d just let herself go, say exactly what she was feeling. ‘But that’s exactly it Sophie, you ARE Gay, you have done this before, well been with girls at least, I’ve seen you, I’ve seen the girls you’ve been with, how do I compete with that. How do I know you weren’t gonna go off with one of them and leave me, how did I know that you wouldn’t tire of waiting around for me and get with someone else instead, leave me alone. I couldn’t risk that, why do you think I get so crazy jealous, why do you think it tears me up when girls that can give you what I can’t hit on you, I lash out because I don’t know what else to do, you’re the most precious thing in the world to me and the thought of somebody being able to take that away from me is soul destroying. There was no way I could know if that would happen, I didn’t know if you’d leave me, if you’d wake up and realise you were worth more than me, if you realised I was being incredibly selfish so that’s why I was guarded, I had no guarantee.’

‘Nobody knows any of that, that’s why it’s called falling, you fall in love, it makes no sense it’s irrational, ill advised, bad timing all consuming love, trying to rationalise it, make guarantees and look for certainties steals the beauty away from it. You’re supposed to have all those fears and insecurities but do it anyway, take the jump because the love you have for that person outweighs any risk, because of a thing called trust, you literally have to put your life in their hands, accept that your heart is safe with them, close your eyes and let yourself fall, enjoy the fear. Don’t flatter yourself to thinking you were the only one thinking like that, I was drowning in jealousy and what ifs, you were engaged to my best friend, you were preparing to marry somebody else, a man, you were the one in a relationship, you were the one permanently leaving me, if anybody had reason to have guards up it was me. But I love you, I am so incredibly, irrevocably and undeniably in love with you that none of that mattered, none of those worries even came close to the way I feel for you, none of it mattered, all that mattered to me was that you owned my heart, and it wouldn’t work right without you in my life. So I fell, I fell hard, I closed my eyes and leapt enjoying the buzz, the fear, the, the overwhelming sense of closeness, I did it in spite of all that, that’s why they call it falling. I went to the highest point, and dived off head first, you wouldn’t fall the shortest distance, even with a safety net. You know how much I love you, you know that no matter where or when you fall I’m there to catch you, you know that your heart is safe in my hands, you also know that you have Ryan so if anything did go wrong you have him as your safety harness, he’ll stop you hitting the floor because he’ll always be there for you. You have all that and you still wouldn’t let yourself go, not even a little bit. I had nothing, no safety net, no assurance, I didn’t know if you’d be there to catch me or not but I fell, I jumped from Everest, dived off falling hard and fast with nothing to meet me at the bottom but the cold hard floor, that didn’t stop me though, I did it despite that because I loved you, I fell, and spent 7 beautiful months in free fall, but now, well now I hit the floor.’

Her pacing had stopped, she was stood in front of me, towering over me looking down her eyes burning into me, I looked up, I looked at her, for the first time all night, I looked into her eyes, words had ceased meaning now, looking at her, really looking into her eyes in the darkened room I had all the answers I needed, I saw guilt, fear, desperation but most of all love, she held her hands out in front of her silently asking for mine, I reluctantly obliged, she pulled me to my feet toward her, wrapped her arms around me and hugged me so close to her body I could feel her heart pounding against my chest, we both clung on to one another with equal desire and vain hope, neither wanting to let go, neither knowing what this really meant, was this goodbye, it was soothing, comforting and resolving, a hug so tight it was trying to repair old open wounds, a hug trying to take back all the words said, a kiss to relieve the sting, an embrace to repair battered and damaged hearts.

Dirty Little Secret – 10

So that’s where we stayed for what seemed like an eternity and a split second all at the same time, basking in one another’s closeness the feel of each other against our skin, her breath in my hair, her hands round my waist, her body pressed into me, these were the moments memories were made for, these were the moments dreams were made of, these were the moments I prayed would last forever. This is the part of us we’re actually good at, this is the part of our relationship we’re best at, this is when we’re happiest, when it’s easiest, just being wrapped up in one other, it’s when we let the world in that problems start, it’s when we face reality we start to fray at the seams. ‘why did it all have to fall apart’ I all but whispered out to the thin air, the stillness and silence of the room carrying my broken words around, bouncing them off of each wall and crashing around Sian’s ears, breaking us from our heaven. She loosened her grip on me, took the deepest breath and asked me to turn around, to look at her, I couldn’t I couldn’t see her face I needed to not be looking at her if we were really going to do this. I scrunched my eyes tight and held myself firm telling her I can’t, I couldn’t turn around, ‘what do you mean you can’t, come on Soph just turn around, you haven’t looked at me once since I got here, just turn around, please, we need to talk.’ ‘I can’t turn around Sian, I can’t look at you, I can’t see you, just please don’t make me’ she was startled I knew she was I could almost hear her mind spinning wondering what the hell I was talking about, she spoke full of defeat and sorrow, ‘do I repulse you that much.’ I had to let out some form of strained painful laugh at this, if only ‘No Sian. No you don’t, quite the reverse’ she began pacing I could here her heavy footsteps behind me, ‘what is that even supposed to mean, then why can’t you look at me.’

‘I, I can’t look at you, I can’t see you because, because I know as soon as I do the little bit of strength I have, the little bit of self control and power I’m clawing at with my finger tips, will disappear. I know that as soon as I see you one of two things will happen, I’ll really realise what you’ve done to me, how much you’ve destroyed and hurt me, how you’ve ripped us apart and I won’t feel anything but anger or resentment for you. Or the other thing that will happen is as soon as I see your eyes I’ll drown in them, as soon as I see your lips I’ll get lost in their beauty, I know that as soon as I see you, really see you I will lose it all, I’ll forget everything and just crumble into my absolute love and devotion for you, and I can’t afford to do either, I don’t have the strength for either because I know whichever it is, it will just break my heart. I’m trying here, I’m REALLY trying her, but please Sian, just give me this.’

She didn’t say anything for a while, just let my words sink in, left us both hanging in the crippling tension that was consuming the room, she made her way back over to me, once again wrapped her arms around my waist and put her head on mine, kissed it and simply said, ‘if I can’t see you, I need to touch you, I need something to ground me through this.’ I placed my arms around hers and interlocked my fingers around the back of hers, ‘time to let reality back in then.’ She started by telling me how sorry she was, sorry she let it go this far, sorry things got so out of hand so quickly and most of all sorry that Ryan had to be the one to tell me she was pregnant. Hearing her apologise for that hurt more than hearing it from Ryan, because until she said it I never really believed it was true, it literally felt like a bomb had exploded in my stomach the minute she said the words pregnant. She told me she never planned any of this, she felt trapped and scared and didn’t know what to do because no matter where she turned somebody would get hurt, somebody would wind up hating her, she told me she did love me, loved me more than she’s ever loved anyone, loved me so much that I was her everything, I was her coming home, I was her heaven, her safe place, she wanted to spend the rest of her life hiding inside my heart. I needed to move away from her, I had the overwhelming need and desire to pace, to wear the carpet out beneath my feet, ‘if all that is true then why did you lie, why did you string me along, why were you still sleeping with him, I mean Sian for fuck sake you fucked him half hour before you came round to me, before you touched me, before you told me how I was the most beautiful person in the world before you told me how you wanted to spend your life making love to me, why Sian, why, if all that shit’s true then why.’

She collapsed onto the sofa, looking as though she was willing it to eat her up and take her away, she bit back fiercely telling me it was not ‘shit’ it was the truth and I knew it, ‘you knew I was with Ryan, you knew I was engaged, you knew what you were getting into so don’t make me out to be the only one in the wrong here, Ryan’s your best friend isn’t he, just like you’re brother you tell him, so don’t stand there taking the moral high ground with me, you weren’t telling him it was me you sunk your fingers into while you were sharing a beer in our flat, we’ve all lied Soph.’ ‘Don’t you even dare try and go there, fuck you Sian, Fuck. You. I’m not the one engaged, and I most certainly wasn’t the one sleeping with anyone else, yes of course I knew you were with him, but my point is you were the one who went out your way to tell me you weren’t sleeping with him, you lied, for no reason you lied to me. Yeah Ryan is like a brother to me, I love him as though he was, and yes I feel like the lowest of the low for what I’ve done to him, it’s unforgivable I know that, but I love you that much, I love you more than anything else on this world that that didn’t matter, I would happily lose everyone in my life to have you, you were all I wanted, just a shame you didn’t feel the same.’

She sighed, buried her head in her hands, and apologised, grovelled how sorry she was, she knew she was the one in the wrong and she’d come round here to say sorry and explain not point score, asked if we could start again, try having a conversation. I went to the kitchen to get us some drinks, only then realising that there were no lights on, we were sat in complete darkness and I don’t think either of us noticed, I considered turning them on but then decided against it, seeing her glow like an angel isn’t really going to help me much now, maybe the dark will help, the truth comes out at night. Coming back into the living room I sat on the other end of the sofa, handed her a drink still not looking at her, still never gaining eye contact. She took my sitting down as her cue to begin talking again, ‘I wasn’t sleeping with him, not like a normal couple, not all the time, and not nearly as much as he wanted to, but yes I did still have sex with him, but, I was thinking of you.’ I cut in completely perplexed that she was even trying to go down that road, I let out an exaggerated sigh ‘oh please Sian, tell me our relationship was worth more than the cheesy cliché that it was me you were thinking about while he drove you to orgasm, I may just actually throw up.’ She got angry yet again, raised her voice, ‘No that’s not what I’m saying and if you’d of listened instead of jumping in you’d know that. Yes I was thinking of you, but not in the way you think, it wasn’t you I was picturing whilst having sex with him, it wasn’t your name I was internally screaming as I came. I was thinking of you before hand, thinking that you deserved more than to be a bit on the side, thinking that one day soon you’d wake up and realise that and call an end to us, leave me for some girl who could give you all that I wouldn’t, I’d think of you in that way then realise just how much Ryan does love me, how I can pretend to be happy, it was enough before it could be enough again, so I’d close my eyes and I’d try, I’d try to make t work, to make me happy with him, but it never worked, never.’

Dirty Little Secret – 9

As if on cue just to mock me Sian replied instantaneously to Rosie’s text, Rosie of course didn’t and wouldn’t tell me what she sent or what she replied for that matter, just told me she’d deal with it, she’d sort it out, to trust her, she is after all my big sis, she wanted to make this right for me. If only it were that simple, that easy, if only I could just hide under my Rainbow Bright duvet and let my big sister fight my battles for me, but I couldn’t, it wouldn’t work, this wasn’t some girl bullying me at school, this wasn’t something I could hide away from and let Rosie take the lead, this wasn’t pretend, this wasn’t trivial, this was my life, and it’s falling apart piece by piece and there’s no glue in the world strong enough to hold it together.

Eventually after a lot of texting back and forth and ignoring all my huffs and groans, Rosie eventual spoke to me, told me what she had ‘planned’ turns out Sian was coming over to see her in half hour, she wanted, no, NEEDED someone to talk to. Well that’s just lovely isn’t it, can’t talk to me or tell me the truth but she can talk to my sister, it was all getting a bit much I was starting to get worked up and angry again, sensing this Rosie cut in and told me she’d go out, leave me here so we could sort things out, somewhere neutral. Yeah ‘cause that’s just a brilliant idea she wont talk to me voluntarily so I’ll just ambush her when she gets here, I don’t want her to be tricked into talking to me, I want her to want to talk to me, is that really so difficult to understand, am I really asking too much. I was crying again, to be perfectly honest I’m not sure if I’ve ever stopped, I was begging and pleading with Rosie, for answers, answers I knew she couldn’t give me, but I needed to hear something from someone because my mind was driving me crazy, I was starting to question everything, did I make this whole thing up, I needed grounding, I needed someone to tell me, to tell me why, why do I hurt this much and how the hell on God’s earth do I  make it stop.

Rosie held me tighter than ever, rocking me back and forth in her arms, telling me it would all be okay, but that I needed to talk to Sian, it was only her that could give me the answers I need, and does it really matter how I get them so long as I do get them. She was brilliant, and right, of course she was right, I just wished Sian wanted to see me, to speak to me, to hold me, whether she wanted to or not she needed to, she owed me that at least. Rosie began defending her yet again, saying that maybe the reason she hasn’t been in contact or come round is because it’s all too raw, going to my place to talk might be too hard for her because it’s surrounded in memories of us, she would drown in them if she came there, I know she’s trying to help but does she not realise the only way she’ll help me right now is if she hates Sian with me, tells me how awful she is, how badly she’s treated me and how I deserve more and better than her, that’s all I wanted to hear now, I needed someone to rip me away from her.

With one final text Rosie left, told me she was meeting Jase at the pub and to call if I needed her, the last thing she said before she walked out the door resonated around my head like thunder, ‘just listen to her Soph, really listen to her let her explain her side, just remember she’s the girl you love, she’s your girl, so no matter how hard it is, just listen’ with that she kissed the top of my head and was gone, leaving me in a deafeningly silent room, getting more and more worked up as the second hand of the clock refused to make it’s way around the face, counting each split second and shallow breathe until I hear the door knock. And then it happened the sound that stopped my heart, choked my breath and caused my stomach to flip as though it was on a spin cycle, the knocking of the door, her knock, her delicate yet assured tap on the door, finally remembering how to control my limbs and move I eventually made it to the door and opened it to let her in, and I feared my self control out. I couldn’t look at her, I couldn’t make eye contact, there was no way, I knew as soon as my eyes locked on hers I wouldn’t be able to control myself, I knew that if I dared look up at those angelic lips my heart would break and melt all at the same time, because if there’s one thing I need more than air to breathe it’s her lips on mine kissing life into me, without saying a word or looking at her I pulled the door further open and walked away into the living room, if she wanted to talk, if she thought anything of me, she’d walk in and follow me, I wasn’t begging anymore, I wasn’t running I was going to stand still for once and see if she comes to me.

I knew she’d followed me in, she didn’t say a word and I couldn’t see her, but I knew she was standing behind me, I could feel her, my mind wouldn’t let me turn around, wanting to bask in this silent, peaceful non physical embrace, it’s the closest we’ve been in weeks, I didn’t want it to end, ever. She however felt different and was the first to break the silence, I could almost hear her lips part and her tongue dart across them before she spoke, I still couldn’t turn around, I couldn’t look at her just yet, ‘being in a room with you and not touching you is like being surrounded by water and dying of dehydration, it’s like being lost and not being able to find home but having a map and compass in your pocket, it makes no sense, being in a room and not looking into your eyes is more torture than being apart from you missing you, missing you when you’re right here is the hardest thing in the world. You’re my water, you’re my map and compass, I need you Soph, you guide me home, you are home, and if I don’t get too look into your eyes soon I’m scared I’ll be lost forever.’

The flow of tears had made there way down my face, the moment I heard her speak, each word crushing my heart a little bit more than before, each pain stakingly beautiful thing she said tearing apart my windpipe, I felt her move toward me, standing right behind me, she wrapped her arms around my waist and buried her head at the back of mine, breathing me in, before I had chance to pull away her grip tightened around me and she begged ‘please, just please, I need this, just for a minute, let reality wait.’ She was right, reality could wait, I was in no rush to hear how she wants to be with him, how she chose him over me, confirming everything he had said to me, I was more than happy to put that off stood here in the silence with her arms wrapped around me and her smell intoxicating me, I gave in, rested my head back against her shoulder, closed my eyes and pretended that for this moment at least it was all perfect again. ‘Don’t you wish life was like a fairytale, that you could kiss my lips and wake me up from this nightmare and we live happily ever after’ I sighed with eyes closed leaning myself further into her, hoping that some stroke of magic would make me get closer and closer into her. ‘A fairy tale isn’t a fairy tale without a rough patch in the middle, and this one isn’t over yet, I haven’t put the book down, the question is, have you?.’ She said all this while pulling me further into her and speaking into my hair, her breath tickling me, she said it all in such a low voice I was afraid I hadn’t heard it right. Have I put the book down, can I put the book down, I didn’t know anymore, all I knew is that I wanted to hold of reality for a little longer so I clamped my eyes shut and placed my arms on top of hers letting the silence and closeness wash over us once more.

Dirty little secret - 8

Waking up the next morning was bitter sweet, the first few seconds of opening my eyes was bliss, nothing in the world troubled me, for those split seconds the world was turning again, I was breathing again and my heart didn’t hurt. That only lasted until I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and woke up fully, glancing around the living room it hit me like a ton of bricks, a bolt out of the blue, taking in my surroundings the confirmation and realisation of what happened hit me, it hit me hard. In that second, the world stopped turning, I stopped breathing and my heart started aching, Sian really was using me, Sian really did lie to me and Sian really was pregnant with my best friends baby, Sian really was going to become Mrs O’connor, my life really was THAT bad. I shamelessly reached out for my phone begging there to be a message from her, a simple text that would tell me she could explain, it was all a miss understanding, I hated myself for still clinging so desperately to the vain hope I meant something to her. My mobile mocked my lonely state by arrogantly showing me no missed calls, no text messages, the screen burning through my eyes telling me that nobody really cared, I am as alone as I feel right now. I needed to do something, I needed to get out of this doom I’d surrounded myself in, I needed distracting because quite frankly reality and the truth hurt too much at the minute, give me a fractured fairytale over this any day.

So I did the only thing a girl in my position and current state could do, I called my amazingly clueless sister with the heart the size of her latest Prada bag and a mouth bigger than her sky scraping heels, the oh so beautiful distraction they call Rosie Grimshaw . If there is one thing Rosie can do is turn any situation around to her, make anything about her, so I knew that if I went to see her I wouldn’t be sad for long because even if I told her about Sian and I she would somehow find a connection to how Jason was annoying her in some way.  Yes, a brew round at hers is exactly what I needed, it’s exhausting being this depressed? Heartbroken? Let down? I don’t know, whatever I am, it’s tiring. The only trouble was that as soon as I walked in Rosie knew something was wrong and wouldn’t stop pestering me, wanting to know what was wrong, who she ‘had to kill’ she was being all that I didn’t want nor need, she was being my big sister, way to pick ya moments. The thing is Rosie didn’t exactly know about Sian, about ‘us’ about the affair, she had suspected something was going on a few months back but I told her she was deluded, I could only wish it were true, she knows how hopelessly in love with her I am, she knows she owns my heart, soul and every waking thought.

So sat there on her couch, cup of tea in hand and Rosie’s comforting and encouraging hand on my knee I told her, I told her everything, from the breath stoppingly beautiful start to the devastatingly heart crushing end. As soon as the final words had escaped from my lips I braced myself, I prepared myself for the onslaught, the questioning, the raised voice, the accusations, the names I deserved to be called. I however was met by not raised words but raised arms, she leant across the couch and enveloped me in the biggest, warmest and most well timed hug I’d had in ages. When she released me from her embrace she tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and simply said ‘I’m so sorry Soph’ she did it again, completely took the wind out of my sails and knocked me off track, to say her reaction came as a surprise would be an understatement. After a comfortable silence and giving me time to adjust to the enormity of what I’d just shared, she asked all the questions I knew she would, the main one being why I didn’t tell her, she felt awful me having to go through this alone. We spoke for hours, moving from tea and polite hushed sentences to wine and passionate conversations about how we felt about it. After a few hours of agreeing with me that Sian was infact the Devil spawn and worst thing that could of ever happened to me, none of which either of us believed or meant. She eventually plucked up the courage to speak her mind and give me her honest opinion, it was exactly what I needed but that doesn’t mean it’s what I wanted. She took a deep breath, grabbed hold of my hand and tentatively said that maybe Sian wasn’t the bad guy in this, ‘maybe she was scared, terrified of how Ryan would react to her telling him and then petrified when she found out she was pregnant, how could she tell you that?, it’s worse for her Soph because either way no matter what she chooses somebody gets hurt.' Great so now not only did she take away my best friend, my self worth, my dream for a future, she’s taking my sister too, I screamed at Rosie wanting to know why she was siding with HER, she was MY sister she should defend me in a heartbeat. I knew she was right though, I knew she was only saying what I thought already, still all I wanted was a pointless and meaningless chit chat about nothing and now here I am faced with all the things I fear the most. ‘You need to talk to her Soph, you’s need to sort this now before things get out of hand’ I made some form of childlike huffing noise before I replied ‘don’t you think I know that, don’t you think that’s all I want, I’m craving to speak to her but she won’t answer my calls or texts’

‘Well the let’s see if she’ll answer mine’  

Dirty Little secret – 7

I had managed to stun both myself and Ryan into an uncomfortable honest silence when those words escaped my lips, I didn’t mean to say them it’s just that what he was saying was getting to me and I couldn’t stop myself, that was my biggest fear that she wont wish it was me, that she wont be picturing me, that I’ll be nothing but her maid of honour that day, she wont give me a second thought. I told him I was sorry, that I shouldn’t have said that, I had no right or place, he reacted with such force it shocked me a little, he told me I didn’t need to be sorry it was about time someone told him the truth, he wanted to hear it all, and that after all I’d done to him I owe him that at least. He was right, of course he was right, that didn’t make it any easier though, I’m going to have to verbalise to one of my nearest and dearest friends that I fuck his Fiancé at any given opportunity, I mean how honest did he want me to be, truth of the matter is once I start I don’t think I’ll stop so he needs to be sure he’s ready to hear it, really hear it. ‘Are you sure you want to do this Ry, I mean are you really sure because once we start this, there’s no going back, I can’t unsay things’ ‘Don’t patronise me Soph, just tell me, I want to, no need to know everything’ he sat back on the sofa as if mentally and physically preparing himself for what he was about to hear, all his fears and thoughts realised, we both knew this would be different, this would change things, there’s one thing suspecting you know something and a completely different thing to have those thoughts confirmed.

‘I don’t really know what to tell you, the first thing is that I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry Ry, you have no idea how much this has been killing me. This is the last thing I wanted, I never in a million years wanted to do this to you, to us, you’re my best friend, you’re like a brother to me, but I couldn’t help it, I cant help it, I love her, I’m so madly in love with her I’d do anything, but its turning me into someone I hate, its changing me, its making me lie, cheat and lead two lives, I love her but I don’t want to, I’d give anything to not feel like this, you have to believe me, no matter what else you don’t believe you HAVE to believe that.’ I was full on sobbing at this point, begging with him to understand, to have some ounce of compassion for me as his best friend, to see that this wasn’t me doing him over, I couldn’t help it, I just fell in love. I saw conflict in his eyes, I could see that part of him did feel for me, did understand me, but there was also part of him that loathed me and why shouldn’t he, I was being selfish to think otherwise and unfair to expect him think different. ‘So the truth, the truth is for me it started years ago, the way she smiled, laughed, tilts her head to the side when she’s confused, the way she bites her lip and furrows her brows when she’s embarrassed, I fell for her hook line and sinker years ago, she had my heart. Nothing happened though, she didn’t even know how I felt, I kept silent, and then you started dating her and I thought to myself that was okay because I loved you, I knew you’d treat her right if there was any one in the world I’d pick to look after her heart it would be you. The feelings got stronger though, they were tormenting me, suffocating me, I couldn’t have a girlfriend cuz all I wanted was her, none of them were her, their hair wasn’t blonde enough, their eyes didn’t shine, they didn’t make my heart forget how to beat just by smiling at me. Nothing actually happened until 7 months ago, the day you proposed, she came round to tell me and I just couldn’t control myself anymore, I pounced on her and, well that’s when it started’ I had become very guilty very quickly, why did I have to tell him that, he didn’t need to know that, he looked choked, let out a shaky breath before saying ‘so on the night she agreed to be my wife, the happiest night of my life, she celebrated by fucking my best friend, how poetic’. I flinched it caused me physical pain hearing him say that because no matter how much I dress it up, it’s true, that’s exactly what happened. ‘None of this even matters anymore, she picked you, she chose you, she wants you not me, she’s agreed to take your name, she wont even take my hand in public, she’s agreed to spend the rest of her life with you, she wont even agree to spending a night with me, you’re the one she rushes home to, you get her mornings, her day times, her first smiles, her first words, I get the occasional sordid half a night. She loves you Ryan, she chose you. I got bored of playing around of being something on the side, of being her toy so I told her she had to choose, she had to either tell you what was going on and leave you or we were over, she left and never came back, she made her choice, you win, I knew you always would do but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. I’m sorry Ryan I really, really am but I cant do this now, I cant comfort you, I cant be the things you need, because right now all I can think is that she chose you and you being here is just a stark reminder of that and another twist of the knife in my heart and windpipe. I’m sorrier than you’ll ever know and I know I deserve everything you’re gonna throw at me and more, but just tonight please I’m begging you, not tonight I can’t cope with it, I just need to time to deal with what’s happened, this whole situation is killing me slowly, and I’ve only got so much left in me, so please, Ry, please, not tonight.’

‘I even suck at this, I mean shouldn’t I be losing my temper, making you feel ashamed, shouldn’t I be hating you because I literally have everything to lose here, I cant even do that right, cuz all I really wanna do is wrap my arms around you and tell you how sorry I am that someone’s hurt you like this, treated you like this, that you know you deserve more, and that if it was any other girl that had done this to you I’d kill her, no one should be allowed to treat you this way’ and that right there is why he’s been my best friend for the best part of 10 years, he really is one amazing guy. I let out the breath I didn’t realise I was holding ‘and if it was any other girl cheating on you, I’d kill her’ he laughed bitterly and simply said that he guessed she’d made hypocrites of us both, he sat there on the sofa cradling his head in his hands, looking so small and fragile, I asked him if he knew, if he suspecting something why didn’t he ask her, he looked up at me straight in the eye and said ‘because I was terrified of the truth, if I asked and I was right, what would I do then, at least pretending let me keep her and some of my dignity.’ I had no idea; it was killing me seeing him like this, I could barely look at him knowing I was the sole cause of his problems, knowing that he loved her that much he’d do anything, anything to keep her. ‘I think to myself when we’re lying in bed, her head on my chest and her arms wrapped around my waist, I wonder if she’s thinking of you, if she’s picturing you, if she’d rather be with you, if she loves you the way she claims she loves me, does she tell you her fantasies, does she tell you the things she tells me, does she make love to you the way she does with me, I torment myself with it, but I cant help it, I cant stop those questions going around in my head.’ A trap door had opened and my stomach dropped straight down it the minute he mentioned them in bed together, I knew it happened but I didn’t need to hear it, the sad thing about it is that all the things he thinks about, are the things that torment me too. Seeing the hurt and disgust awash on my face he simply said ‘oh come on, you’re not naive enough to think that we don’t sleep together are you? Does she tell you that? Has she told you that? When was the last time she said we slept together? I bet it wasn’t the truth by the look on your face, did she not tell you that we spent most of the weekend in Ireland in bed, did she fail to mention that she fucked my brains out not half hour before she came round to see you Sunday night? No didn’t think she would have somehow, guess I should be pleased I’m not the only one she lies to’ I had just become all to aware of the phrase ‘kicked the life out of me’ that last statement had literally booted the air out of my lungs and kicked the stomach away from me, I felt sick, dizzy and unable to breathe, she lied to me, this whole time she lied to me, why go to effort of telling me she was ‘saving herself’ all weekend, why do that, I never asked about their sex life or lack there of, she would bring it up, why, why would she lie, guess I really was just a toy for her. I stayed silent, eyes cast down to the floor and arms wrapped around myself trying to stop my heart from shattering to a million pieces, I sat there and listened to him carry on. ‘I fooled myself that it wasn’t really cheating, that it was just friends messing around, I mean you’re a girl so it didn’t really count, girls go to the toilet together all the time, this was just an extension of that, you’s were close, I’ve always known that, this was just another way of you being close, it wasn’t cheating, cheating, it couldn’t be, you’re a girl, you’re a girl it didn’t matter, it couldn’t matter, Sian’s not Gay. Truth is though I’d rather she had slept with a barrage of men, numerous one night stands that didn’t mean anything, because she loves you, she actually completely 100% loves you, she gave you her heart and that’s worse than her just sleeping with someone else, it’s not about that, it’s not about whether you’re a boy or girl it’s the fact that she gave her heart to someone that wasn’t me.’

‘She didn’t give me her heart Ryan; she gave me her body for a few hours, she didn’t want my love or affection she wanted me to give her an orgasm and send her on her way back to you, she didn’t give me her heart, as much as I wish that were true it’s not, she took mine and left, took it with her back to you, back to your arms, back to your bed. When she was asked to chose she chose you, she loves you, she wants to build a life with you, a future, you are her future, I was just an experiment, I was a story to tell, I was her bit of fun, her wild side before she settles down to a life with you. I haven’t heard from her since she walked out of the door, that should tell you all you need to know, it kills me inside and out to admit it but all we were was sex, that’s all it was for her, it was a different story for me but maybe that’s what I’ve got to live with, my punishment for betraying you like I have, they say Karma’s a bitch don’t they. She picked you, now go home to your future wife, tell her you love you, tell her you’ll protect her from anything and everything, tell her you cant wait to grow old with her, make memories, a family, a life, one of us should, so go, be with your woman.’ I was void of all emotion at this point, everything had been sucked out of me, I just wanted to curl up and lose myself in the sweet release of sleep, waking up wasn’t even mandatory at this point, I just wanted to close my eyes and make the hurting stop. He got up and walked away, he was nearing the door when he turned back and whispered to me ‘She didn’t chose me Soph, she had no choice, not now’ as he opened the front door he breathed out ‘She’s pregnant’ and with that the door closed, did he really just day that? Did I hear that right? No I couldn’t have, I’ve made that up right? That’s my mind playing tricks on me, it has to be. I reached for my phone and wrote out a text, Tell me it’s not true! The lack of reply told me all I needed to know, I hugged my knees to my chest and cried myself to sleep on the sofa, hoping that this would all be a horrible dream.